Apparently a student wandered into ARS or somewhere on Usenet with some homework questions. Jommy Cross, a long-time poster to ARS, had some answers for him. Certainly they're not the answers a practicing scientologist would give, but they're more honest. Enjoy!
Subject: Jommy's Offworlder FAQ
From: jommycross@[127.1] (Jommy Cross)
Date: 23 Oct 2010 02:36:39 -0000
Message-ID: <OJLCRMWY40474.4421180556@ reece.net.au>
Newsgroups: alt.religion.scientology
On 27 Sep 2004 20:03:30 -0700, netrichard<at>speedymail.org wrote in msg
<1096340610.950110.125770<at>h37g2000oda.googlegroups.com>:
>could you please answer these questions for a homework assignment thanks
d00d, your questions come up soooo frequently in my demented opinion.
Let's make them a faq, huh?
>How would you describe your religion?
First, it's not my religion. I share my clearly biased views with you
because more than once my ages long slumber has been disturbed by the
pesky $cienos. But I can substantiate what I say.
The religion that is the subject of this newsgroup is far from a
mainstream religion. It's a mish mash of pseudo science and marketing
implemented as a destructive cult. Many people deny it's a religion at
all. A lot of those people have been *inside* it.
It was invented by an indigent science fiction writer in 1953, as his
previous scam was wearing thin, and he had pressing wives to pay.
"If a man wanted to make a million dollars, he'd start a religion" L Ron
Hubbard (attrib.)
Some deluded culties demand it should have the same protections as any
other religion. Opinions differ on whether a bunch of sales driven
delusional kooks is the same as a religion.
The deluded culties themselves market the same old snake oil behind a
bunch of supposedly secular fronts with names like Narconon, CCHR, WISE
and ABLE.
So where's the religious?
>Do you believe in a god or gods?
Scientologists seem reluctant to talk about them, though their Creed
explicitly refers to one which has told us all not to do some things.
If Scientology delivered what it claimed, the Scientologist would get to
be an omnipotent god in his/her own right eventually, so yes they do.
>Does your god or gods command you to do justice unto each other?
Strictly speaking their leader, Hubbard, interprets the gods to the
culties in his reams of lovingly cross referenced documents. So it's what
Hubbard sez goes.
The Code of a Scientologist tells them "never fear to hurt another in a
just cause", and they demand they are "the most ethical group on the
planet", so yeah, they go around with an idea of justice.
Be aware they might hurt you while they're pursuing it.
>How do you worship your god or gods?
With dollars. Many, many dollars. Scientologists claim selling you books
and services is "worship". Some people disagree with them and spell their
name as $cientology.
>Do you believe in an afterlife?
Yes, and also reincarnation.
>If so, what do you believe determines what will happen to people in the
>afterlife?
According to L Ron Hubbard, your soul drifts off to an implant station on
Mars, where you get roughed up some then reincarnated with little or no
immediate memory of your previous life/lives. The way to avoid this fate
and "go free" is to give Ron's marketing machine money.
Naturally, you also have a bunch of prequel lives. Maybe you were
Napoleon Bonaparte or built the pyramids of Egypt or something. By paying
for $cientology services they claim you can gain access to memories of
these prequel lives. You'll have to sign this release form first, please?
Note the $cienos are not allowed to talk to each other about their prequel
lives. That must avoid some embarrassing conversations, huh?
>What is the most important advice for living?
Buy more $cientology books and services, this is your only chance to go
free and escape this prison plant forever. Also cures asthma, cancer,
halitosis and depression (please read exclusions on attached schedule).
>Do you have any rules about what can be eaten or drunk?
Only L Ron Hubbard was allowed pinks'n'greys with his rum? Just kidding.
Traditionally, deluded culties who accept the punishment their cult hands
out to them eat only rice and beans.
L Ron Hubbard had some odd advice about feeding the newborn. He says human
milk is almost worthless, much worse than barley water and honey. Don't
try this at home, kids!
The highly toxic "Purification Rundown" ritual demands the cultie eat up
to 5g niacin a day. That probably won't kill your liver right off, but it
won't do it any good.
>Do you believe alchohol is acceptable?
I think they probably do. Naturally, if you're worried about the amount
you're drinking, $cientology can help you with that. Sign here, here and
here, please.
>What is your position on sex before marriage?
If you're paying them you can do what you like, though bear in mind their
confessionals have been known to be made public.
If they're paying you, sex before marriage is theoretically out.
Marriage and divorce seem easy for staffers, possibly encouraged by the
nature of working for the Co$ enterprise.
>On polygamy?
L Ron Hubbard was married several times, bigamously at least once.
What went for him probably doesn't go for the average $cieno, though.
>On homosexuality?
One of L Ron Hubbard's sons committed suicide, very possibly because of
the stigma this condition of existence attracts in $cientology.
Hubbard was pretty 1950s about this stuff, demanding that homosexuals are
"low on the Tone Scale", which means verrrrry bad, and an opportunity to
spend money on $cientology books and services to 'cure' them of their
perverted ways.
It's also suckered in some celebrities, who are now 'cured' of their
homosexuality. Not that they were gay in the first place. No, rilly.
>Do you believe that an immoral action can sometimes be justified by the
>circumstances?
Oh, probably. 'Never fear to hurt another in a just cause', remember?
>Do you believe that people who have other beliefs will be punished?
They do indeed. The people who disagree with $cientology are, according to
Hubbard, criminals. They should be punished immediately, by any means
possible.
Anyone who decides Hubbard was a con man is obviously an enormous
criminal. Anyone who sets up in business in competition with Co$ is
clearly a criminal of cosmic proportions.
They mainly express this hatred through lawsuits and setting people up for
prosecution, spreading bad PR, and failing to pay any debts.
>Do you believe it is your duty to convert others to your beliefs?
Oh *yeah*, "Clearing the planet" is what's kept the Co$ show on the road
for years.
According to Hubbard that's to make a planet "free from insanity".
In reality it's a crusade to relieve the gullible of their surplus money
by selling them $cientology books and services.
>How do you treat nonbelievers?
As a sales opportunity. Those people resistant to sales are criminals.
>Do you believe in just war?
No, they're theoretically working for a world *without* war.
On the other hand they had a Crusade for Religious Tolerance a while back,
so who knows?
>Do you believe the world will soon be destroyed?
Some of them think there's a possibility we're about to be invaded by
aliens. Other than that I don't think "soon".
That said, the famous "downward spiral of society" is used to bait the
$cieno trap, so they're playing on people's fear of the future just the
same.
>Do you believe in evil supernatural creatures?
That depends on your definition of supernatural. According to L Ron
Hubbard this stuff is all good science and just as true as e equals
emceesquared.
So, no. Not supernatural. They just believe in evil space aliens.
Invisible evil space aliens attached to your body, yet. That you can pay
to have removed. How kewl is that, huh? Just sign here.
>Do you believe that if a person is insane, he or she is responsible for
>their actions?
It depends.
First understand Hubbard and $cientology have an enormous fear and
loathing of psychiatry. Hubbard claimed his pseudo science religion would
*replace* psychiatry. So we could be dealing with several definitions of
"insane".
If your actions consist of opposing $cientology (in their opinion) you are
an insane criminal and you are responsible for the actions and you should
be punished.
If you're a paying $cientologist who goes insane they'll just declare you
an enemy and refuse to do business with you any more. If you go famously
insane they'll deny you were ever a $cientologist.
If you're a $cientologist staffer who goes insane, you would be a total PR
disaster, so you get hidden away, possibly confined against your will.
In at least one of these episodes the insane deluded cultie staffer died,
apparently due to involuntary confinement and worse care than your dog
would get at a veterinarian.
>Do you believe that the ends can justify the means?
Haven't we done this one? "Never fear to hurt another in a just cause",
remember?
>Do you believe that a husband must submit to his wife, or vice versa?
Neither. The weak get to submit to the strong, mainly.
>Do you believe that it would be ethical to kill innocent children if your
>god or gods commanded you to?
Probably. The innocent children get reborn, so it's not like it's a huge
problem.
Hubbard was constantly ranting on like some low rent Nietzsche.
In their explorations of their prequel lives $cientologists seem to find
themselves enslaving populations and vaporising whole star systems pretty
often.
>Do you believe that good will always triumph over evil?
It depends. On some level $cientologists believe we're only playing a game
here, so the concepts of good and evil are meaningless.
On another level we're engaged in a cosmic struggle to "clear the planet"
so we can escape from our horrible degraded conditions, and the outcome's
unknown so far.
>Do you believe that, on the whole, the world is becoming worse or better?
The downward spiral? Oh yes. Only L Ron Hubbard and $cientology can save
you. Sign here. And here.
>Do you believe in capital punishment?
Only for people resistant to $cientology processing.
>Do you believe that your god or gods have complete control over the
>events of your life?
When a $cientologist becomes an "Operating Thetan" that person would have
total control over matter, energy, space and time.
So yes, if you pay enough money you can have complete control over the
events of your life. In theory.
But you have to sign this release form first. Sign here. And here. And
here.
Incident zero: Ron trolled them
Ever yours in fandom,
Jommy Cross
This message brought to you by Radio Free Albemuth:
before you hallucinate
